Seventeen: The acceptance of Kagami Taiga
by Ki-hori-e-te-ao
Summary: Kagami's been broken many times in his life and putting the pieces back together again was getting troublesome. Luckily he has some more than willing helping hands with him, even if he's not ready to accept their help right away.


**Trigger warning for self harm, multiple suicide-attempts and allusion to sexually violent acts and many, many vulgar words. Excessive use of bold and italics. Read at own risk please. Even so I still express extreme caution in the reading of this fanfic.**

* * *

Kagami wakes up one day and he's fifteen, he's in a different country attending a different school and he realises quite suddenly that he doesn't want to die. That the awful sensation that made him continuously char his tender skin had suddenly vanished and he felt free.

Weightless, painless.

Everything just makes sense in a way it never did when he was twelve, lonely with a father who still longed for his ex-wife and a mother torn between her new life and her old life. Makes sense in a way that makes him wonder why he'd ever let the flame and rusted metal consume his thoughts and he trails his fingers over his thighs, feeling every curve and bump there, reminiscing on days that feel so long ago, but were as little as two months old.

Then he breathes and smiles in a way that doesn't kill him. Smiles like the sun, with naivety that he hadn't known for so long. It's beautiful, happy and slightly deranged. Unhinged in a way that's positively marvellous.

* * *

Seirin comes in the following weeks and it's a blur of classes, Japanese Lunchtime Rushes, basketball and strolls to Maji Burger. The happiness consumes Kagami and he takes to it like a fish to water, because this is such a happy blur of days he doesn't want to end. Of teamwork, laughter and adrenaline. He hasn't felt this happy since his elementary days with Tatsuya.

He's living off a high and it keeps getting better and is this how everyone usually felt? Was this what it was like not living life in depression? Was this what people normally felt when living life?

Nothing weighing them down, nothing consuming their thoughts, nothing making them hide and no reason to feel guilty when looking into friends eyes. He wonders why it took so long for this to happen.

The whispers, the thoughts, the marks had just vanished. Like they were never there. Like he'd always been this happy and he supposes, one day while laughing over some lame joke Kawahara had said, that maybe this was how he'd always felt, but this feeling was just repressed by the overwhelming sadness that had constantly loomed over him.

(If Tatsuya could see him now, laughing with the sun and sky behind him, he'd be proud and slightly jealous.)

* * *

They're at a training camp and the Inter High tournament -the real ones for the finals league- is just around the corner and Kagami feels his blood buzz. Can feel the anticipation, the excitement chew at him ravenously. But there, lingering in the darkest corners of his mind, is the unwelcomed doubt, slowly creeping its way back into his life.

That damned feeling that haunted his adolescent years was appearing far too often in the last week than Kagami would have liked, especially considering its abrupt departure from his life four months prior. Yet still the whisper of doubt was loud to his ears.

 ** _'You're not good enough to play against Touou.'_**

 ** _'You won't win...'_**

 ** _'They'll dump you when that happens, they won't need you.'_**

The words are taunts in his mind and he wants to will them away, but he can't find the courage, the belief to will them away, because didn't Aomine beat him once already? Wasn't he already at a disadvantage?

Kagami feels suffocatingly hot, but he can't bring himself to let anything but his head out of the blanket, a panic overwhelming him when he thought of his body bare for all to see– to touch. He shifts, looking at the futon across from him that Kuroko occupied, his blue eyes still slightly open because though he'd never admit to it, Kuroko struggled just as much as Kagami did when it came to falling asleep the night before a match.

Cyan eyes met him in a determined gaze and Kagami lets a small smirk cover his face as the voice fades. He shifts again and cool air strikes his legs, now peeking out from beneath the blanket, but cyan fills his view.

Of course, he can't be lucky enough for it to disappear again, but it remains a secondary thought, a whisper not a scream.

* * *

Kagami relapses a day after the Touou game, in his apartment with the same chipped hair accessory that he'd stolen from Alex back when he was eleven and feeling lost. He does it because he's sixteen, in a different country, at a different school, suddenly realising that he's not good enough. That he didn't work enough, practice enough, put in enough effort. That every little thing he's thought of himself since he was twelve, was true. Undeniably true.

Everything burns, like hot-rods and coiling anger and he screams, screams and screams! But nothing leaves his mouth, so he burns the anger away, so the anger doesn't burn him away. It's always the same feeling of tight anger killing him.

Laughing bitterly, with eyes dry and thighs inflamed, scorched under the heat of his _'bad-habit'_ , Kagami wills away an animalistic growl.

Pathetic. His mind chuckles.

* * *

Things between him and Kuroko become tense after that, Kagami wishes somewhere inside of him that Kuroko will realise that Kagami's not worth the lingering gazes he keeps shooting him across the court. That he's the reason they lost, that Kagami is _ **wrongbadhorriblesorry.**_

He finds himself wanting to apologise so badly, for screwing up, for relapsing, for the hurt he'd cause if anyone from Seirin found out. But the words are stuck in his throat and even though his team makes him so happy he wants to push them away because he was such a _**screwupawfulbadperson**_.

America is a safe-haven, an away and a nostalgic reminder that all he's ever been and all he'd ever be are the burn marks on his legs and the lies he tells.

* * *

Alex asked about it, but he's not surprised and he answers with a half truth to that terrifying question that had plagued his mind since his arrival in California.

"Taiga, you- have you, y'know, lately?"

Her voice portrays the discomfort she feels, even with the obvious concern she places in her words.

He grins at her, puffing out a half-lie type of answer.

"Four months clean," he replies almost casually.

Her eyes light up and she does that thing where she rambles about how proud she is before she tries to kiss him and he laughs his guilt away uneasily.

Because it's also been almost a month since he started again, but she doesn't need to know that.

It's not even that much of a problem anyways.

* * *

The plane ride back to Japan is a great time for him to mull over his life choices, mostly because the U.S was a very bad place to mull over life choices considering all he thought of was basketball, basketball and more basketball.

From what he's gathered since he's been in Cali, he's not depressed per se. It's not like before, with the overwhelming desire for everything to just end and for his life to be erased. Kagami can live a night -and two, three, four, eight- without burning himself.

He can breathe and smile and live, without it feeling forced or agonised. Everything is beautiful, happy, stunning. But then sometimes it also feels uncomfortable, weird, wrong and the only real thing is the heat radiating off of burnt metal and the smell of burnt flesh.

Sometimes it's like he can't even think straight without the thin, crescent shaped, brown-tinged marks. Like he can't even breathe without the constant thrum of pain engulfing his thigh.

It's not depression, or at least, not the type of depression he had way back when. But then, it's not really happiness he supposes.

Finally fed up with the contradictions his thoughts led to, Kagami just sighs and pulls his head phones up, maybe listening to some rap for a while would drown out the confusion he felt.

* * *

They win at their first preliminary match and it's beautiful, because wow- look at how much everyone had changed. Not just changed, but evolved. They were unstoppable. Even in the face of Kirisaki Dai Ichi, they're unstoppable.

His blood practically sings in excitement, he's so giddy and then Tatsuya comes and damn–

Kagami was not expecting that.

Tatsuya examines him with apathetic eyes and Kagami hopes Tatsuya can't see the four marks marring his legs. Hopes that the flimsy sport shorts were enough to cover himself against his brothers analytical gaze. Because shit, this was not supposed to happen. Not this, not meeting him like this with the burns and the scars and the litany across his body telling the story his mouth can't form.

But Tatsuya smiles a smile that isn't his, releases a smell that isn't his and greets Kagami with words that aren't his.

That night Kagami feels so guilty.

 ** _WorthlessstupidscrewupliaridiotBakagami._**

He'd been doing so well, had only a small corner of burns, a slight secret. But now, he stares in horror at the wounds. They cover his thigh in the length of his palm and stretch slightly further. When he was thirteen, he'd given up on wondering why he even did this, why he hurt himself, but right now he just really needs a reason because he's so... So..

 _ **Stupididiothowcouldyou?**_

His mind and body begs the question that he still can't answer.

And he counts, because counting made them less real somehow.

A tally mark, not a burn mark. An image, not a dark, searing pain that makes him scream.

A coping mechanism, not a dangerous addiction.

One.

Two.

Four.

Five.

Eight.

Ten.

Twelve.

Fifteen.

Eighteen.

Eighteen he thinks trailing a hand over them and - Fuck.

Just fuck.

* * *

After that he promises to stop.

Tells himself between every break where he isn't thinking about basketball that he should quit.

That he can't keep going back down this path.

That he's better than this and he begins to feel like he's breaking.

It fucking _**sucks.**_

Because those stupid feelings keep coming back and he doesn't want them. He wants numbness and the world stopping, the pain disappearing behind the seared skin and the greenish-yellow marks. He wants it to disappear but it doesn't and he hates that.

He'd fought so hard to lose this weight. This pain and it was unfair. It shouldn't be back, not when he'd shoved and pushed and prodded until it would disappear. But despite his best hopes, his wants and dreams it was still there. Like an anchor weighed deeply into his soul, it just made him tired.

So he used basketball as a means to release the tired feeling, because basketball was vigorous.

Basketball was something that made him smile, even when he felt like crying and basketball had never felt quite as good until he played with Seirin.

He never feels quite as good, until his friends looked at him with such blinding faith.

* * *

He wins.

Game after game he wins and for forty minutes, he sings.

His blood pulses and he's alive.

Burning like fire and winning and sweating and feeling frustrated, but feeling.

Feeling alive at that and the games are awesome. Practices are awesome and he's so happy on the court.

But, off court he's a mess. Maybe not a mess to the casual observer, but god he knows he's a mess.

His grades are barely passing, despite the efforts of his teams and he tries to push any worries away. Tries not to notice the way Izuki would examine him intently with his ridiculously good eyes, tries not to notice how empty he feels at lunch, no matter how much he eats or how quiet late night stops at Maji Burger are now. Tries so hard to illicit an emotion, any emotion because being numb just felt so wrong and he was so tired.

So goddamned _tired_ of trying.

He is really trying and he's won the Winter Cup. It should feel euphoric, but bar the genuine smile he'd given his teammates, he hadn't acted as ecstatic as he should have. If anything he felt a vague and chilling sense of melancholy. Kagami knows he should be happier than he is.

Kagami should still be able to feel the buzz he had on court, or the love he had when he saw his father had actually managed to make it to his last game. But he felt a vague sense of detachment from the game and the events afterwards. Like now that the games were over, nothing really mattered.

Like, he might be happy, because he didn't feel miserable, but at the same time he didn't feel active, with these thought in mind, instead of hanging around at Coach's place with the rest of the team, he smiles and excuses himself and he doesn't go back.

* * *

Suicide. How he'd fancied these ideas before, put very few in action. He has a small, shapely scar no bigger than his pinky fingernail on his chest to illustrate said ideas.

In the past year he had not once actually thought about it for more than a few rough moments with a flame burning his eye sight.

But now, sitting down in his huge apartment, listening to the resounding snore of his father, he admits it is tempting him. He could wake his father, give him a small peck on his cheek, before thanking him for coming to the game.

He could do it. There was no next game to stop was no reason to delay and there was no reason to live. He just, he wants it all to stop.

The confusing feelings that never stop. That always twist and jump and fall, because he wants to just feel. He wants to know more than half smiles and he's so useless. So kami-be-damned useless.

* * *

"Dad, dad, dad..." He whispers.

There's silence.

Slowly, his father blinks awake. Another lapse of silence ensues.

"Taiga, what's up? It's eleven pm, I thought you said you'll stay at your friends."

He half-smiles, trying to appease his father, but whispers out his thanks instead of an answer.

"I- I just wanted to thank you, for coming tonight, it means a lot to me."

There's a moment, where his dad beams at him in a way Kagami hadn't seen since he was like nine, before he gets an apologetic answer.

"It's no problem, I'm just sorry I couldn't make it to all your games."

Another forced smile makes its way onto his face.

"Well, I'm gonna go to bed now love you," he whispers, giving his dad the barest of kisses against his cheek.

Kagami morbidly thinks this will be a nice last memory.

"Love you too son, you played wonderfully and you made me so proud."

* * *

When Kagami sneaks out of the house, steps quiet and thoughts heavy, small abrupt tears begin to work their way down his face, because his dad should not have said that, because he is nothing to be proud of, Kagami is nothing. _He's dirt. Dir **t. Dirt. Dirt!**_

He's _trash_ and he hates it. He hates it, he hates himself and he hates that Japan doesn't have free gun control laws. Hates how he can't just go into his dad's office and find a gun, because this time Kagami knew a gunshot to the brain was more effective than one to the chest and he has a tumble of emotions that aren't coherent and instead make him cry some more, so he sobs as he walks because he feels so heavy, so pained.

Somehow, he makes it to some courts and he doesn't know why he picked some streetball court, but it feels right.

With red eyes, Kagami lays down breath a heavy whirlwind and he watches the stars. His breath cold, nose, face flushed and his chest heaving. When he begins to feel less irrational, after nearly an hour of calming himself, he makes a trip to the store.

Maybe it's the time of the night, maybe it's just ignorance, but the cashier at the 24/7 hardware store says nothing when the slightly shivering Kagami takes the money he has in his wallet and pays for the small stool and the thick wad of rope.

He ties the rope around the basketball hoop and loops it, loops it until he can forget. Then he stands on the stool and with shaking hands, he lowers it over his neck.

 _Loop. Loop. **Loop. Kick. Die!**_

The rope tightens and he struggles for a while by pure reflex. Black spots fill his view and he can't breathe and it hurts. It burns so wonderfully and more tears stream down his face but he smiles, legs kicking. The world begins to dim and his smile widened because. Just because. It explained it all.

* * *

Some shit for brains had found him by the three minute mark and if the fucker had stayed around, Kagami would have gladly decked the bastard who'd taken away his only means of gaining feelings. But sadly the dick face had not hung around after cutting Kagami down and ringing the ambulance.

Kagami's never really been one to use his head, but he knows he should technically feel grateful. Like he should have an epiphany where it's like _'oh shit, I feel like living,'_ , but he doesn't. He just wanted to die and now thanks to some dick he couldn't. Like what are the fucking chances some other idiot had wanted to play basketball at midnight. It just frustrates him a lot when he wakes up and hears what the doctors tell him.

The doctors also say something like 'it's a miracle that you're awake' and a nurse murmurs something like how 'amazing it is you have no lasting brain damage' and they all try and comfort him as if he's some broken little doll and his hazy mind can't take it, so he sleeps the rest of the night away. Kagami wakes up to the reminder that he has really terrible luck. Which is probably karma being a bitch and usually he doesn't swear so often, but right now he's angry.

The doctors are still holding him, since he's below the legal age of consent to write his hospital information and because of the whole suicide-watch thing. He has been avoiding giving out his name thus far, so they wouldn't call his dad, when of all fucking people, Midorima walks past. Like what even the fuck is he even doing at the hospital at six in the morning?

Midorima's eyes widen and he pauses at the door with a murmur to the doctors, before stepping into the room, as if Kagami actually needed the company.

"I was under the assumption that you would otherwise occupied with your teammates for the duration of this weekend."

Midorima probably thought that was a question, but Kagami only grunts in answer, trying desperately to move as to hide the scorching, burning, uncomfortably red marks looping his neck; all this to no avail, as he could barely breathe without it hurting, could barely move without feeling disorientated. In fact he couldn't move three of his five fingers in his left hand, no matter the effort he put in.

"Most people tend to celebrate a victory well earned," Midorima puts in again, his voice just making his head pound louder.

"Shintaro-san, I do not think your acquaintance is feeling talkative, perhaps you should leave," one of the doctors puts in.

Kagami nods sluggishly at the suggestion, glare in place.

"Forgive me, but I feel more than slightly angry that someone who should be, by all rights, out with his friends is instead in the hospital, because of a suicide attempt!"

His voice raises at the end, some-what accusatory, some-what angry but mostly sad. Kagami feels himself tense at the harsh wording, the unforgiving tone and he slowly shrinks into himself, eyes focusing on his arms, a terribly hard feat. Being conscious after hanging yourself is certainly more painful than a hangover, Kagami thinks fleetingly.

"I have tried being slightly civil about this, Kagami, but if you do not answer my question, so help me I will stick all of Seirin on you," his voice is deathly.

Kagami remains quiet, uncomfortable under Midorima's scrutinising gaze and angry at the threat. It takes a while for him to answer, the words in his head but unable to leave his mouth.

"W-w-w-what do-d-d-do y-you w-want?" He asked, stutter defiant.

The doctor cuts in before Midorima can ask any questions.

"Name, date of birth, next of kin and their contact number, you arrived with no I.d on you."

Hoarsely and reluctantly, Kagami stutters out some answers, all the while avoiding Midorima's pointed looks.

* * *

The first time he'd tried to kill himself, he was all of eleven and he'd skipped school. Somehow he ends up at a bridge, not particularly tall and he's on the other side of the railing, when a group of teenagers some years older than him walks by. Maybe it's because he's crying, maybe it's because he's shaking, he doesn't know why, but they decide to call out to him.

There's an unreal blur of voices and soothing, _"It get's better, dude calm down."_ One of the older kids, who though he can't remember his face, had the softest green eyes Kagami's ever seen, jumps the railing, holding Kagami's hand in a sign of 'you jump, I do too'. Police arrive soon after, so does his dad, his mum, Alex and Tatsuya. They all arrive. He's never felt so thankful to be alive, until he sees their ecstatic if not weary faces.

(But it all goes to ruins again, like always.)

Besides thanking them at the hospital when they come visit him, he never meets those teenagers again.

* * *

The next time he tries it, some eight months after the first, it fails. It involves a bridge, a speeding car and a cat whose life he'd rather save than commit suicide. There are no teary eyes or watchful glances after this attempt, as no one finds out.

His third attempt is the most painful.

Kagami was thirteen, he had gone home feeling like shit because everything was constantly shitty now-a-days. Then he begins to feel the over-whelming sensation of exhaustion, which leads him into his father's study with a small .44 revolver.

 _ **Worthlessfuckupdieyoudeservethis** _ echoes in his mind.

His hands shake as he presses the small silver pistol to his chest and with shaking hands and a messy scrawl of sorry, he shoots himself in his bedroom, that dirty hellhole, even though he doesn't remember walking into it. The pain is sharp and exhilarating and different. Blood seeps down his chest warmly and he can still feel the bullet pierced through his torso, sometime later he becomes unconscious due to blood loss and the pain overriding his system. Legally he died for while, before something too complicated for him to understand happened and when he wakes up, the first thing he sees is his father's eyes.

Right now in the hospital, with his father looking down at him with a warm yet forced smile and rimmed red eyes, Kagami Taiga is reminded of his third attempt. It makes him want to vomit, but for once he has no food in his stomach to vomit.

There's a look, a certain look in a loving parent's eyes that can say, 'I love you, you mean the world to me' and 'you disappoint me so much,' it's that look that he sees in his father's eyes right now. He feels all sorts of weird, squishy emotions and none of them are the emotions he was looking for when he'd made this lucky fourth attempt.

"Taiga," he whispers softly, a gentle smile on his face.

Kagami hates this voice, the sad voice of a weary parent. Parent's were supposed to be superhuman and he hates that he could make his father so regular, so mortal, so sad.

"I-I thought you said you were doing better."

Kagami ducks, he can't look into those crimson eyes for much longer, lest he begin to cry.

"W-we're getting you a specialist when you get out and I'm coming home to stay for- for as long as it t-t-takes to fix this alright."

He nods, even though all he wants to do is scream ' _I'm not broken'_ and _'You can't fix me'._

His father raises a hand and squeezes Kagami's own hand with soft strength.

"We'll get through this," he swears, proceeding to run his thumb on Kagami's skin in lingering circles.

It makes him all sorts of uncomfortable, but he rolls with it.

* * *

Midorima comes back, of course he does.

He's dressed in his school uniform looking every bit as prim and proper as Kagami suspected him to look and he nearly blanches at the sight of him, however his naturally tan skin made that quite the impossible feat.

"I am not happy with your decision," Midorima's voice is brisk and his eyes sharp.

Kagami scoffs rudely, in control of much more of his body now. His vision blurs for a second and he takes a breath, not quite in control of all of his senses though.

"However, I feel perhaps I am too ignorant to make an educated opinion of the matter at hand, so you will inform me of all missing details as not to make me remain so blindly ignorant, but Kagami, do not mistake this as anything more than, a sense of duty as your acquaintance."

If Eye's were here, he'd be able to teasingly describe Midorima speak, but all Kagami got from it was that Midorima was a nosy bastard. Obviously the silence had bothered Midorima as he shifted from side to side, expression neutral.

"T-this of course is all very...um- I think that since you did and that is to say-"

Kagami cuts him off before he can tarnish the minimum amount of respect he held for the boy anymore.

"I'm depressed, like clinically and all," he admitted freely, if not uncomfortably, voice still the slightest bit raspy.

Midorima nodded with a glint in his eyes that said he'd already guessed that, so Kagami continues even with the dread slowly pitting it's way in his stomach at the thought of his memories.

"Okay so like, the move from Japan to the U.S was like huge," he says in slow, gaudy Japanese,", I mean- everything is so different and I didn't know anyone- so, y'know I was naive and trusted too many people and shit happened."

He feels suffocatingly weak talking about it, fingers clenching and unclenching in his lap.

"I mean people are heartless and I was a kid, so since I was different no one really liked me until Tatsuya, then with my parents splitting up, Mom's new family, moving away from Tatsuya and Ty who...I guess I was..." he trailed off uncertain and fearful under Midorima's disconcerting gaze.

Hatred coils in his heart at a sudden flood of unwelcomed memories, because it had been so easy to pretend he forgot and that he didn't feel fingers or touches at night when he was alone.

"Look- this is the first time I've ever talked about it at all and I mean, I know I'm pretty crazy- Like, you have to be a little crazy to try and kill yourself multiple times and, I mean when I started with the whole burning shit, it's not like I wanted to die, but shit happens and I stopped caring and what do you want okay!? I realise I'm crazy, but I mean if only I'd just died and c'mon why didn't I die.." Kagami cuts off, his throat and eyes stinging and his coughing shaking his frame violently.

Through his unexpected fit, Midorima comes forward and he looks every bit as uncomfortable as Kagami feels and he looks at Kagami, catching his eyes and never letting go.

"I-," He starts uncertain,",I do not understand, but, if this is something about you questioning your worth, then know that a world without you, Kagami, would be a very boring world."

As if just realising he had said things with emotion, Midorima abruptly moves, leaving the room without a second glance and Kagami; Kagami wants to say that he knows, knows people care about and love him, but he doesn't love himself and doesn't think he's worth it, except by the time his lips move, Midorima is well out of sight.

* * *

They hold him in the hospital until the end of the week, dress his burnt thighs, make sure he doesn't have a concussion and force him on some anti-depressants. Midorima comes everyday like clock work at eight o'clock until nine, only being allowed to attend during those hours because of who his father is, though he says very little. Sometimes he will inform Kagami of whatever he thinks is relevant information, basketball games, Kiseki hang outs and his horoscope. He doesn't ask about Seirin, given how Kuroko still texted him daily and he'd manage to rope his father into making some lie about family issues up, so the school and by extension the team didn't go crazy looking for him.

He'll never speak too long, he'll sometimes bring a mental-health book though, read them and look at Kagami as if he's cross-referencing information. It's creepy, but Kagami kinda likes being with someone so he'll fill in the silence with inane chatter and the like, speak of movies and memories and sometimes teach himself about Go on the portable Go board that Midorima claimed was his lucky item the day after Kagami mentioned wanting to learn Go.

This time he has a half-done game played by some old pro's he was reading about, in one of the mysterious Go books that the 'nurses dropped off', also retelling a story about him and Tatsuya, when he remembers Ty and just pauses. He hates how Ty can still do this sort of shit to him, even with the thousands of miles and fenced walls between them.

Midorima watches him with emerald eyes, before sighing and putting down his study booklet.

"You always do that," Midorima says, as if Kagami could predict what 'that' meant.

"What? Play Go?" He's genuinely confused, flicking a stone in the air and catching it repeatedly.

"No, you speak of your life in America and then just pause whenever the name Ty comes up." Midorima states it like a fact, as if it's an inane topic like Kagami's favourite colour or food, and Kagami can't blame him. After all Midorima doesn't know, know about all the shitty things Ty had made them do and keep a secret; and because Midorima doesn't know, Kagami lets the mention of Ty slide and he twiddles his fingers.

(Sometimes he'd look at his hands and wonder if he could just slice the damned appendages off, as if that violent act would rectify everything his hands had ever done)

He should tell someone, he hadn't told anyone, even when Tatsuya told his parents, he still didn't tell anyone. So Kagami opens his mouth, begins to share his deepest secret and chickens out last minute before making a thoughtful sound.

* * *

He has to join a youth counselling program, there are only six other kids there and everything they do at their weekly sessions is bogus. Kagami reckons they ought to just tattoo 'made of glass' on their foreheads with how their leader treats them.

They only ever vaguely mention why they're there, only skim over details and it's completely boring and heinous, but he always goes and he always gets picked up by Midorima and he always smiles when he goes to bed on those nights.

Kuroko begins to notice something.

Not like something bad, Kagami hopes, but Kuroko's been asking questions and it kinda makes Kagami nervous. He doesn't like sharing the deep things and even though Kuroko's shared so much with Kagami, a part of him still tells himself that if Kuroko found out, if Seirin found out something bad will happen.

( _No one really even likes you_ , a damningly familiar voice whispers on his head)

* * *

Kuroko finds out. Sort of.

He's been to counselling for about five weeks now and the urge comes back. It's the third day he's wanted to burn again, but this time it's a lot more prominent. Like every few minutes the thought will unreasonably pop into his head and he must control his breathing and push the thoughts from his mind, all the while his heart pounds in his ears.

It's time number four, wherein the gentle whisper of _'you could just burn yourself'_ pops into his mind and he freezes on court because the thought attacks him unexpectedly along with icky feelings of displacement. He's so tired and he wants it to just stop and he's trying, he's always trying. But the voice is still there, even as he pushes and shoves with all his might.

( ** _Doitdieburnstopliving_ ** his mind roars)

They were doing some basketball reps when the ball slips from his hands, his skin pales and he takes a few jagged breaths.

"Kagami-kun?" Kuroko questions softly and Kagami shakes his head, vision blurring into a tight black circle, his feet move towards the sidelines as he clumsily sits on the ground.

Sky blue eyes trail after him and as Kagami begins to breathe deeply, numbing his mind, he feels a presences next to him and fingers slip into his hands, squeezing his fingers with every breath he takes. He tenses at the fingers, wanting to flinch away from the touch, but something almost cyan flashes in his mind and he thinks it might be alright to hold on to this hand.

Like a rhythm, he breathes and feels a tight grip on his fingers. Breathe and squeeze. Breathe and squeeze. Breathe and squeeze and eventually, Kagami begins to piece himself together.

"Kagami, are you alright now?" Coach asked when his breathing was normal and he glances up into her eyes, and then to the side to Kuroko's furrowed eyed look.

Slipping his fingers out of Kuroko's grip, Kagami feels a blush of embarrassment engulf his face.

"Yeah, sorry, that doesn't usually happen, and, yeah," he mumbles.

Coach smiles at him gently, none of the fierce anger or rejection he expected in her warm gaze, "It's fine Kagami, just go get a drink or something before resuming practice, and take it easy."

He cocks an eyebrow at her unusually placid manner, his stare boring into her head, though she doesn't do anything to clear up his confusion.

"Kuroko, please follow Kagami, I will add some more reps to your schedule when you come back."

Kuroko nods, getting up and offering the still stupefied Kagami a hand to lift himself up, which makes a weak grin appear on Kagami's face. He doesn't take the hand though, the whole hand-hold-squeeze thing had filled his daily touch quota, anymore skin contact and he might break a little more. Instead he stands, almost but not quite touching Kuroko as they leave the gym to the nearby vending machine.

Kagami pays for two pocari sweats and leans against the wall as Kuroko sits on a nearby fence, surrounding a small plush garden.

"Would you like to talk about what just happened?"

Kagami's face tightens and he shakes his head.

"Would you like me to talk about it?"

Kagami doesn't quite understand what Kuroko means and Kuroko's eyes drift towards him, before he uncaps his bottle and takes a long gulp, Kagami following suit.

"I mean," Kuroko says after the pause,", would you like me to reiterate everything I've been noticing lately, because I think if we keep avoiding the topic, it will never stop being a problem."

 _Problem_ , Kagami thinks fist curling around his bottle, all he'd ever be is a stupid fucking problem.

Kuroko moves suddenly, gaze boring into Kagami intensely and Kagami wonders faintly, how much Kuroko had noticed. It takes a while before he can open his mouth and reply, but Kuroko doesn't press him for anything.

"I-I think I want you to tell me what you've noticed, but I can't guarantee I'll stay until you finish your explanation."

His friend nods his head in understanding, eyes wandering leisurely around their general vicinity, Kagami relaxes with the piercing gaze taken off of him.

"Kagami-kun is a very determined person, he is talented and skilled as well, however anything outside of the court tends to make him uncomfortable. He tries very hard to hide it, and though he is loud and confident in his own abilities and team plays, he sometimes does unnecessarily flashy, arrogant or aggressive moves, as if to demonstrate how great he can be. It seems behind his confident persona is a truly shy, doubtful person who only hopes to appease people."

Here he pauses and Kagami thinks that maybe if Kuroko kept speaking so indifferently about him, as if he wasn't right next to him, then he'd survive this conversation.

"At times it seems like Kagami-kun isn't even here with Seirin, for he is too absorbed in his own mind. At times this causes careless injuries during practice, luckily he never seems to have these moments during matches, they only come when he is left to his own devises. An educated guess of what Kagami-kun is afflicted with would be textbook anxiety with a possible dependent personality disorder. This guess is strengthen by the somewhat minor panic-attacks he seems to suffer from, they do not occur often, with a counted five happening since his first year, one just recently; he also displays a great sense of pride and failures seems to affect him sorely, though he attempts to smile and grit his teeth through it."

Another pause and Kagami takes a big breath in, fingers nearly shaking. Kuroko's hand falls almost casually atop of his and he flinches at the touch, almost as quickly as the presence was there, it was gone. It takes another eight breaths before he begins calming down though.

In those eight breathes, Kuroko is mostly silent, but still humming as well, as if to reaffirm his presence. When Kagami is noticeably put together, he continues, voice a quiet yet enticing lull.

"However Kagami has a few tell signs, he is very uncomfortable with intimacy, unless he trust you. This intimacy barrier includes a strong distaste to jerks of the arm or shoulder, absolutely no hugs whatsoever, high fives and fist bumps are somewhat acceptable depending on the moment. He is also very bad at lying directly to one's face, he always seems to scratch his thigh during a lie or a moment of extreme nerves. He is uncomfortable being fully naked and sometimes he is uncomfortable being partially naked. Yet there are also times he has no qualms about touch, almost begging for it, as if flirting and affection is second nature to him. There's a certain finicky behaviour pattern, which hints at an uncertainness buried within. His last sign is only displayed in two environments, if he's in Health-Class, he is unbelievably tense, especially when sex is brought up, he also tenses when he hears groans and shouts, as if they remind him of something...annoying."

Kagami gets up, he's leaving. **_He can't stay. He can't stay. He can't._**

"This aversion could be a simple dislike of sex, perhaps an unexpected encounter with his parents in a compromising position, though I highly doubt that," Kuroko's voice is little more than background noise and he freezes, because Kuroko _**can't** _ know, there's no way Kuroko should or could know.

 ** _Idiotscumbakagami_ ** he hears in the back of his head.

He takes one more breath, "What do you mean you highly doubt that?"

His voice is dangerously low and behind him Kuroko is one-part surprised and three-parts indifferent.

It takes a while for Kuroko to answer, slightly due to personal doubts, mostly due to his lack of knowledge on how to say what he'd recently concluded due to Kagami-kun's reaction.

"Making a guess based purely on speculation and seeing similar signs in a former friend, I'd say..." His voice trails off slightly and Kagami knows what Kuroko's going to say and he's stuck, paralysed in between his flight or fight instincts.

"I'd say, Kagami-kun is the unfortunate victim of sexual assault."

( ** _Dirtuselessdumbwhore_ ** echoes and echoes and doesn't stop echoing)

The word is poison in the air and Kagami flies to Kuroko, lifting his best friend by the neck of his shirt and presses him against the side of the vending machine. There are words floating about his head, but he can't say anything and he just stares at Kuroko fright swimming in his eyes.

"You don't know what you're saying," Kagami warns, looking down with narrowed eyes.

Kuroko doesn't reply straight away, too torn between the obvious conclusion that he was right and the ridiculous unfounded guilt that made him want to be wrong.

"No, I don't know what I'm saying, but I also don't think I'm wrong," is his somber reply after a too long break.

Minutes tick by and Kagami does something he is very good at, Kagami runs, feet pounding against the pathway as Kuroko slides down the side of the vending machine.

* * *

Some impulse inside of him that wished to keep his five week streak going ends up calling Midorima. He shouldn't, objectively he knows Midorima's probably studying or practicing, Midorima's probably busy and Kagami's just being a bother, but the second he goes to hang up, Midorima's clear voice calls out.

"Hi, what's up?"

 _ **(DiediedieburnscreamcrashI'mdyingburnscream**_ )

For all his professional persona, Midorima was still a regular teenager and always answers his phone casually.

Kagami pauses to gather what he wants to say and it all comes out in one long breath.

"Kuroko knows and I don't get how he knows but he does and it makes me extremely nervous and what the heck am I gonna do?"

Midorima pauses to gather his thoughts before he answers.

"What do you want to do right now?" Midorima's voice is slightly laboured, probably due to practice and Kagami shouldn't have called. He's such a...

 ** _bothernuisance_ slut**.

"...I- don't know..."

The pause he takes is too long and his voice is too hesitant for Midorima to believe him.

"What do you want to do right now? Don't lie, there's no reason to lie right now," Midorima reasons rationally.

Kagami doesn't want to answer truthfully, but he has to because that's what you do when you try and get better, right?

"I really want to burn myself," he answers reluctantly.

 ** _Stupidshutupwhy?_**

He really shouldn't have called, should've just dealt with this by himself and-

"Oi, Bakagami! Are you still there? I will be at the cafe near your counselling sessions in twenty minutes, thirty tops, if you need to meet up I will be there," Midorima inputs all sorts of wired behind his breathlessness.

Kagami can hear some shocked exclamations in the background and Kagami says no reflexively, not wanting to be a bother.

Midorima does that thing where he presses upon a certain topic and says he wants to meet up without expressly saying _'I want to meet up.'_ Somewhere in the back of his mind, he's concerned about a lot, but his outward reaction is false nonchalance as he answers the request with a casual 'sure'.

When they meet up at the cafe, the one they went to after Kagami's sessions, he ponders silently when Midorima had become more than an acquaintance and when he'd started to take a space just as large as Kuroko's in Kagami's mind.

They talk briefly of Kuroko and Kagami doesn't explain the conclusion Kuroko had come to, just says Kuroko had told Kagami that he was acting weird and had somehow managed to figure out Kagami was depressed. It was half-true and if he went to full truth right now, he doubted he'd be able to finish this day without a new burn mark.

Midorima offers half-hearted advice, tells Kagami that it isn't the worse thing to have happened to him and slowly convinces him to not worry about it, because Kuroko's not the bitter, grudge holding type.

After that topic is awkwardly put to rest, Midorima retells the events of the past week since Kagami had last seen him.

The day ends contentedly, he leaves after a few hours talking to Midorima, goes home and has dinner and a movie with his dad, does homework and ignores the gnawing of his stomach, trusting in Midorima's words and in Kuroko's friendship.

It's not the worst thing to have happen, after all.

* * *

Midorima's words ring true, for the next day at school Kuroko doesn't bring it up. Even after Kagami gruffly says sorry and coach increases his menu for the day, he doesn't say anything about the 's-a' thing he'd brought up the other day.

Kuroko doesn't mention it the day after either.

Or the day after that.

Or the week after.

Finally after a month of stressing over nothing, Kagami lets the topic fade from his memory and he starts genuinely getting better.

He gets that old, weightless happiness back and the good days outweigh the bad and he's feels so great.

So, of course that doesn't last, because life always did love to make things complicated.

* * *

One day, he goes home from a great day, smiling over his marks from English and Jap. lit and their practice match against Kaijou (they tied and it was an awesome game), then the next day he goes to school and Kuroko ices him out completely.

He doesn't say anything, which is exactly the problem. He ignores Kagami when he talks, doesn't acknowledge him in class, doesn't pass to him in practice and leaves without a glance in Kagami's direction. And Kagami has absolutely no idea what caused this, so he's all tense and wiry and disgruntled.

After three days of this, Kagami caves and corners Kuroko after maths. He tells himself it has nothing to do with the ache in his stomach and the yearning in his eyes when he sees his lighter tucked under his bed. Tells himself it has nothing to do with the way he'd tucked his hair clip in his pocket this morning and stuck his lighter in his messenger bag.

"Oi, Kuroko," he says gruffly.

Kuroko walks forward and says nothing, feeling the smallest bit irritated and hurt Kagami runs before him and stretches his arms out.

"Goddamnit Kuroko, tell me what the fuck I did wrong."

Blue eyes twitch, actually twitch and something akin to _ **panicfearangeranxietyguilt**_ is crawling around inside of Kagami.

Kuroko says nothing, his face pinched into visible annoyance, which is Kuroko's version of burning hot rage. Kagami knows he hasn't done anything to warrant this face, a face Kuroko had only bared once before, to a certain proclaimed 'bad-boy'. Yet, even with that knowledge doubt crawls, spits, swims, flies through him.

After an eternity of staring, Kuroko answers, something almost like betrayal staining his voice.

"I understand that everyone deserves to keep secrets to themselves, Kagami-kun."

It is silent as Kuroko finally looks up into Kagami's gaze, a deep betrayal in his eyes– and what the hell did Kagami do!? He couldn't think of anything for the life of him, frozen by Kuroko's icy gaze.

"Believe me Kagami-kun, I hold none of the secret keeping against you," a shift and anger burns in those azure orbs,", however I cannot understand why you'd trust Haizaki with information I didn't know about..."

Somewhere in the back of his mind said that Kuroko was awfully talkative whenever it got back to Kagami and his problems, but the rest of his mind was reeling in confusion. Something about Kuroko's silent brewing anger however, left his mouth unable to move, unable to form the words he wanted to scream.

"And until I can understand why or accept that you told him, I think it's best if you refrain from speaking to me."

Inside a little bit of Kagami breaks, like a jenga piece taken away could ruin the whole tower, Kuroko's desire to distance himself had ruin all of Kagami's steadily built confidence.

Unable to take the weight of Kuroko's words, the confusion anchoring him or the pain slowly bursting inside him, Kagami turns and doesn't listen out for Kuroko's soft, barely audible steps. Instead, he makes his way to the nearest bathroom, locks himself in an unoccupied stall and slides to the ground.

 _ **Worthlessstupididiot.**_

 _ **Goodfornothingwasteofspace.**_

 _ **Stupidshitforbrains.**_

 _ **Filthyuselesswhore.**_

No matter how hard he steadied his breath, how he clutched his arms or tried to clear his mind, the words never left. They stained him and he was so exhausted. Kagami was only very, very vaguely aware of what happened in the minutes following, everything was a blur.

A click of the lighter.

So _tired._

The smell of metal burning.

So **frustrated.**

A sting on his arm? Why his arm?

A burn, a yelp, a blank clarity. Rinse, repeat.

When the world comes into startlingly clear view, he has two inflamed welts, already burning white and oozing of clear puss on his wrist. He curses, partly because he'd broken the two month streak, mostly because it was Wednesday and they had counselling after school and people might notice and he's an idiot, because arms were strictly off the market, **whatwashethinking?**

It takes a long while to steady his breath, clear part of his prickly anxiety and make his way to the infirmary, because he was in no mental shape to go back to class. The nurse lets him lie down when he says he's just got a headache, checks his temperature and gets him a glass of water.

He sits in the long, cold room for hours, mind fuzzy and tired.

* * *

He goes to counselling, goes for a latte with Midorima, eats dinner with his father. His body going through the motions, but his mind not really being there.

He keeps this going for a few days, until it's Sunday and he's walking around a mall close to his place. He doesn't have a reason to be there, except that his dad had been extra attentive yesterday when he had stayed in his room for all of Saturday. They have no practice, they were going easy because it wasn't basketball season and the volleyball club needed a few extra hours in the gym.

Kuroko still hasn't talked to him, hasn't even acknowledged his presence since that conversation. With no destination in mind, he just mindlessly walks past so many shops that they all blur into a series of bright colors and 'SALE' signs.

He's jolted by many people and he doesn't care. Nothing really matters as he's walking, he just needs to keep going, keep moving so no one talks to him and he can get away.

Predictably, this is when he runs into Haizaki.

Being frank, Kagami doesn't know Haizaki. Not in the slightest bit at all. Kuroko had mentioned him like twice and he watched Fukuda Sogo's game against Kaijou, so he knows of him. There's also that whole Alex thing, which had only marginally added to the pool of emotions he had twirling around inside.

So the burning rage that lights up inside of Kagami when he sees Haizaki, doesn't make much sense, until he hears the echo of Kuroko's words in his brain and think, this is your fault.

With very, very little in mind, Kagami rushes forward and presses the leering Haizaki against a nearby shop's window.

"What the hell did you tell Kuroko?" Kagami's voice is deep and husky, anger tainting every single word.

Haizaki's face goes through anxious, fearful, confused and angry in a matter of seconds.

Pursing his lips, Haizaki's grey eyes pierce his and he answers with something like guilt in his voice.

"I just told him the truth, nothing more, nothing less."

His words are crisp and Kagami shoves him further into the wall.

"You're going to explain what the hell you're talking about, because I am three seconds away from ripping your head off," he growls out, fingers gripping at Haizaki's top.

Biting his lips, Haizaki looks down suddenly.

"I didn't mean to be the first to tell him, that was your duty and anyway I thought he knew," Haizaki admits with a low ferocity, some unknown factor restraining his rage, though only barely.

"Knew what?"

Grey orbs meet red again.

"That you tried to kill yourself."

Kagami doesn't even have the time to realise what he's doing before he's pinned Haizaki to the ground and laid four knuckle bruising punches on him, continuing with a fifth as he gains slightly more sense of mind. Everything is white noise and _**red, red, red.**_

He pulls away suddenly when blood and spit falls on his stinging fist.

"How did you know about that you fucking bastard? Have you been stalking me or some shit?" He screams, looking towards Haizaki who laid to his left, struggling to sit.

"You're a fucking idiot aren't you," he croaks out painfully, ", like I'd take the time to stalk your sorry ass."

Head clearing just slightly, Kagami huffs, face falling into his knees as he tries to gather his thoughts. His knuckles ached like never before, his heart racing unevenly and he feels a growing numbness.

"If you didn't stalk me, how'd ya know?" The question is gruff and awkward.

Snorting incredulously, Haizaki audibly stumbles to his full height.

"I was the idiot who saved your sorry ass, gotta say, offing yourself at streetball courts isn't the smartest fucking idea ever."

That explained a lot, but it did nothing to clear the loneliness inside or fill the Kuroko shaped gap in his life.

"Fuck you're an idiot," Kagami huffs out, anger fading slowly.

"Haaaah? You're a real dick aren't you?" He replied.

Too tired to bother with anger, Kagami asked a question that had plagued his mind since that fateful night.

"Why'd you stop me? Why'd you... cut me down?"

His voice is tired, but firm, he needed an answer.

It takes a while for Haizaki to answer, his mind going back to that night more than three months ago.

"Hmm... I dunno, maybe 'cause I was there y'know, dark place and shit and I've seen what that shit does to everyone 'round ya."

Haizaki doesn't elaborate, but Kagami doesn't blame him, because he can barely even talk about all the times he's tried to kill himself without it bothering his conscious for days on end.

A scoff sounds and Kagami looks up as Haizaki looks at him. There's no pity in his eyes, no understanding just an awkward type of acknowledgement.

"Did Kuroko do some stupid shit why you came at me ready to kill?"

Kagami lets a weak grin cross his face, which is met with a disgusted look from Haizaki.

"Partly I guess, some of me kinda wanted to get in a punch because of what you did to Alex and I guess, when I heard you were the one that found me, I was kinda satisfied I punched you."

Haizaki fucking grins like a maniac, a dribble of blood drying beneath his lip and slight bruising appearing on his angular face.

"Tch, this was just a surprise shot you damn bastard," he declares with a gesture to his face, ", just come at me again and see what happens."

Kagami doesn't know if this is an attempt at some weird normalcy or if Haizaki's just a weird masochist, which kinda made sense, but Kagami likes the change of pace.

"Yeah, whatever, I'd still beat your ass," he jokes half-heartedly.

Huh, joking with Haizaki. Now there's an unexpected sentence.

"Wouldn't you like that?" Is the almost flirty reply, though there's an obvious sense of sarcasm behind his words.

Kagami fully misses any innuendo there to be found. Standing, Kagami stretches and looks over at Haizaki, a frown on his face.

He wasn't quite sure how he felt about Haizaki, now that the previous hostility had practically vanished, he was just left slightly uncomfortable.

"Well, as much as I love getting man-handled, I've got shit to see and people to do," Haizaki says as he's leaving, shit eating grin in place and some hollow confidence in his words.

"Don't let them fuck you up too much," is Kagami's parting word.

Haizaki slows down his stride, his shoulders slumping slightly and Kagami can imagine him doing that disgusting thumb-lick shit he does, before he nods and goes wherever it was he was needed.

* * *

That night he calls Kuroko. It goes to voicemail.

"Look Kuroko, I ran into Haizaki today... He told me he knew about the um... Suicide thing. I, ah, didn't tell him if you thought that. He found out himself, so I know it might not sort things out, but can we talk tomorrow? I... I think we need to talk about shit."

Three hours later he gets a text from his missing shadow.

'Tomorrow, lunch, rooftop.'

That's where they usually had lunch, so Kagami sends back a positive reply and battles with the anxiety for the rest of the night.

The day goes by agonizingly slow. Classes are long and dull, with loud classmates and peering eyes. Today's a bad day. One of those, even a touch from his father could make him flip out days. His stomach seems too empty and he feels weird.

Nothing really happens today. His class get chewed out because no one did any of their Bio homework. A kid forgot his calculator for Maths and the whole class had to sit through an importance of remembering proper school supplies lecture. Uneventful, boring, irritating.

By lunch, Kagami feels angry. Today's an angry bad day, they were worse than sad bad day's. Sad bad day's meant he could mope and deal with people tiredly. Angry bad day's had him wound up like a ticking time bomb, who's number could change rapidly in any given situation.

He waits on the roof lunch top, peeling through five yakisoba bread and a carton of apple juice. Kuroko isn't slow to arrive, but he doesn't say anything as he gets there. He sits next to Kagami's feet on the ground. They don't talk, even though the moments perfect. He's on bread number six when Kuroko finally says something.

"The Haizaki-kun thing... It's not that he knew you tried to kill yourself that hurt me, I was still torn between believing him even though what he said and the time frame he used was perfect... I didn't mind as much that he knew it happened."

Kuroko stops, takes a slurp from his yogurt carton and looks at the doorway towards the stairs. Furihata and Fukuda would be in through that door soon, Kawahara trailing behind maybe ten minutes later. He was always the last to eat, but second to finish eating. Kagami was first.

Kuroko's quiet slurps stop and Kagami puts down his food reluctantly, eating didn't seem real appropriate.

"Haizaki-kun is trustworthy, he's wild, reckless and temperamental, but he's not as terrible as he seems. It hurt me, that I had to hear from him, someone that didn't even know you, Kagami-kun, that you tried to commit suicide." Kuroko's voice is broken and he looks at Kagami with such sincerity and frustration that Kagami ends up pressing his fingers against the faded welt on his arm. It throbbed lightly under his finger tips and Kuroko notes the action with soft eyes.

"To think I'd nearly lost Kagami-kun was heart breaking, but hearing it from someone else's mouth left a bitter feeling in my heart and because of that I tried to hurt you. For that, Kagami-kun, I apologise. You don't deserve to be hated."

Kagami shifts down from his seat towards the ground, moving so him and Kuroko are nearly touching noses. He's in that uncomfortable, squishy, heat filled mood, but it's not all bad.

"I can't talk about my feelings Kuroko, it's not me, but I need you to know, that you mean a lot to me and I guess, I'm sorry, I'll mess up a lot 'n shit, but, I'll try and tell you shit."

It's not a promise, it's not anything really, but for all it is a seemingly insignificant declaration, it sounds like a promise.

Not even a minute later, Furihata and Fukuda barge in with their lunch and they fill in the regular silence that the shadow light duo produce. No one mentions this is the first time they've seen Kuroko for lunch in a week, that information just kinda fades unimportantly.

* * *

Life gets back on track after that.

There's still voices obviously. Still weird, uncertain feelings, but he gets better at expressing himself. It gets easier to talk.

After about a month of texting about serious topics, Kagami would guiltily text Kuroko and tell him about the whole suicide attempt. He'd tell him he tried to hang himself and Haizaki had found him. How Midorima had seen him in the hospital the next day and that they'd become friends. That Midorima was helping with the whole, depression thing.

Kuroko's replies are curt (with a jealous and grateful undertone that Kagami would never pick up for the life of him) They end up talking about feelings a lot after that, mostly with Kagami using humor as a shield to say what he says and Kuroko using backhanded sarcasm and dry comments. It's only ever through text messages at 3am when he can't sleep, because it feels wrong, but it's the most he's ever trusted anyone.

( _This won't work out, it'll end in ruins, like always._ )

 _(You don't deserve his kindness, he'll hate you)_

Sometimes he feels needy and clingy and bothersome, but he can ignore that for the most part.

Kuroko doesn't pry, he waits until Kagami can talk about the topics himself, even if he doesn't look particularly happy about it. Kuroko becomes a pillar in his life, like Midorima and some six months after that whole suicide attempt that brought Midorima so closely to his life, Kagami decides to come clean to them about the things Ty used to make him do.

His voice would crack in the stillness of his bedroom, his laptop paused on the ending credits of a movie they were watching a few minutes prior.

It takes a lot out of him, involves a lot of tongue tying and clenched fist by all parties.

In a desolate tone, Kagami would reiterate the story of how he'd met the nice neighbor Ty, a teen five years older then Kagami.

Ty was a sweet boy in the eyes of his neighbors and he'd always offered to look after neighborhood kids. He was the perfect role model, until he turned fourteen. The hollow laugh Kagami spits out makes a dull concern course through his two friends.

Almost like reliving the memories, Kagami would squirm and tell them in detail about how exactly Ty thought to look after the neighbor's kids in the basement of his house.

The basement was well lit, with three lamps and one ceiling bulb, plus a long window that let in natural light, which shone on the queen sized mattress and bean bags positioned against the far left wall.

Ty would close the door and wait until the room would heat up, the radio in the corner playing some songs and him changing between entertaining the two to four kids he babysat with a story or a game. When the room was too hot, he'd strip to his boxers, start the camera in the corner by the dusty bookshelf and force other kids to strip as well. Somedays, most days actually, they didn't have to completely strip, they could get away with just their shirts or on the better days, just their jerseys. Somedays Ty didn't even do anything to them, just babysat them like the kids they were.

They would wrestle sometimes, Ty pinning down whoever was nearest to him and grinding into them and none of the eight to ten-year-old's would fully realize how wrong this is for another two years.

Ty was never consistent when he abused them. He picked different people every time, but Kagami still remembers nine year old him giving the fourteen year old a hand job and not knowing why it made his idol feel so happy but left him feeling dirty. He wouldn't learn of sex and foreplay until it's years too late and it'd crush every bit of innocence he held when he'd learned that sex was one in the same with the 'special games' Ty would make them play.

One of the most fucked up things though, isn't that Kagami is no longer in touch with Noah, Matt, Lindy or Ashley.

(Heck, he's barely in touch with Tatsuya and god it kills him that he's the one who dragged Tatsuya into Ty's clutches)

They stopped talking years ago, when their parents explained that Ty was a predator and told them that he'd made kids do bad things for him.

He knows why they fell out of touch, too many bad memories associated with each other. So no, that's not the most fucked up thing that came about the whole Ty thing.

The fucked up thing isn't that Ty is 17 when the police find out about him, that's he's been doing that to them for three years already. It's not that a few weeks before the police showed up he'd coerced Kagami into touching him and letting himself be touched when he was babysitting Kagami at his house, in Kagami's room.

It's not any of that.

The thing he finds most fucked up, is how they all kept quiet without knowing why. None of them told the adults about naked wresting in front of the camera or posing practices, because they'd trusted Ty so much and didn't doubt him for a second, and that stings like a motherfucker, because he should've known something. Should've done something.

Kuroko and Midorima don't say anything, they're just there and they ask him for permission to pry, they ask him if he's told others and they try and help him understand that Kagami didn't do anything wrong. Even though now, six years since he'd last seen Ty, he still felt wrong and disgusting and dirty.

It doesn't help, not in any palpable way, but something in his stomach loosens at the confession that had plagued him for years.

* * *

Things start looking up after that.

* * *

Obviously, like midway through his second year at high-school, Kagami has another breakdown.

The years were going through like wind, too quick for him to process. There'd been the suicide attempt, then the end of first year. Practices that followed, the fight with Kuroko, start of second year and everything that followed with them and confessing about Ty. He'd stop burning as well, he didn't believe it was a permanent thing but it was pretty good progress. Which means there was no reason for the breakdown he has in school bathroom just before practice.

Nothing triggered this breakdown, it was a slow build type of thing. The weeks slowly getting darker, him just getting tired and then the whole weight of the world hits him and he skips practice, can't go with the way his body is still shaking and his eyes watering with unshed tears.

They've been slowly getting more time, with the seniors last Inter-high coming up in a few months and being slightly out of practice due to the amount of times they've had to share the gym, they needed more time now then ever.

So coach is in a rage, his phone is blasted with so many phone-calls but he just, he can't help but feel tired. Like everything been going too well and now he needed to atone for whatever good he'd done that let the world be so great, because he didn't actually deserve it.

Kuroko texts him, but stops trying after seventh time Kagami didn't reply and Midorima sends two slightly-wordy text messages. He gets a few calls from Furi and Kawahara, but they repeat what Captain and Kiyoshi had already sent him, though with a hint of concern that makes him feel that weird bubbly self-hate that says you don't deserve their kindness.

He can't be bothered replying, though he makes a half-hearted attempt at talking to his dad before going to his room. Dad's only back for three days, not two weeks, he's slowly been getting accustomed to letting Kagami live alone again and it's nice seeing him more often, if a little exhausting considering his constant need to be in Kagami's face to talk.

But dad doesn't say anything, just makes him a small hot drink and some cookies, even with it being a pretty warm day and him not being hungry. Dad also plays some old school rock, Elvis he thinks dismissively, Kagami didn't really care for him but his dad loved him. It also reminded him of simpler times when he was still a kid and his parents would dance to this music, because it was the only record in the house they'd managed to buy during their move to America.

He feels really bored, so he just lies in bed for a few hours, drinking his drink slowly and swiftly making his way through the cookies. After two hours lying down and listening to Hound Dog at least three times and Jailhouse Rock twice, he goes out and sits on the couch with his dad, dad typing for a little while before leaning back and throwing a casual arm around his son's shoulder.

They don't say much, but it doesn't really matter, because dad flicks on the tv and they watch random shows for a while. It's nice, in that understated way and makes things feel less troublesome and more tolerant. With the barest of smiles, Kagami leans further into the couch, before taking out his cell and sending Kuroko a quick, 'Thanks, I'm alright'.

Somewhere around the third t.v show, about maybe a little bit towards two hours into watching movies, dad falls asleep, because yeah he sucks at the whole watching t.v thing, since it always ended with the t.v watching him. The door knocks and sluggishly Kagami opens the door and there's Kuroko and Midorima.

And yeah, things are still kinda crappy and he's still a little angry at himself, but they give him these measured, yet oddly happy looks and Kagami can't help it, he laughs. They share identical looks of confusion, Midorima blushing so lightly it was little more than a spot on his face and Kuroko's eyes widening the slightest bit and it's great. Everything just feels right.

Because Kagami's seventeen, and he doesn't feel weightless or ever-lastingly happy, but god he feels happy and tired and mad but also so great and his friends watch him and he loves them so much, even if he hasn't said it to them yet, he does. And maybe he doesn't deserve this, but he cherishes it all the same.

Cherish's the fact that Midorima, who lives on what is basically the other side of Tokyo visits Kagami at least twice a month, even with his practices getting held more often lately. Treasures that Kuroko is always there for Kagami, even when he's being unresponsive. How all his teammates have managed to message him in the last few hours, from worried 'Are you alright's?' to simple 'Hey's'. Even Coach's burning ire is welcomed, because she remembered him, and with her threat she'd still managed to say something along the lines of 'You better be alright or I'll kill you'.

So he smiles and Kuroko and Midorima don't understand everything going through his head, but they're grateful he's actually alright. Because Kagami might be all angry, self-deprecating, intense fire, a bit of an idiot at times too, but he's theirs, even if they won't admit it and they both love him a little bit too, because he's their best friend. Because Kagami Taiga is theirs and a world without him scares them, how much they care about him scares them, but as long as he smiles and laughs like this, through all the bad times, they'll make it through. All of them.

* * *

 **Legit this was supposed to stop simply at like the 6000-7000 word mark, but then I got carried away. Some parts could be taken out, but nah aye? Tbh, loved this so much, really helped me with some shit. I know there are so many little problems with this, but I cannot be bothered looking for every single one. I've fixed as many problems as I was able to. Also, this is a fully platonic fic, so I had no pairings in mind, but Midorima and Kuroko came off way too lovey-dovey sorry. Also, the timeline I used is shit, but idec aye? Yup, parts are out-of-character, but like I said, I love this and I got a little carried away. Again, thanks for reading this whatever it is.**


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